Before there was science and logic, “old school” parents have this deeply rooted belief that babies, even the newborns, are the masters of mind manipulations. Those are the parents who are self-proclaimed life-experience childrearing experts, such as my mother (and countless others).
They swear by the ingeniousness and cunningness of babies and how they are all conspired to manipulate us adults. Well, there may be some truth in what they believe in as it turns out. They think they babies cry to manipulate adults to hold them so that the babies don’t have to be alone. To remedy this and to teach them to be more independent (read: lazy parenting), the solution, they argue, is to let them cry themselves to sleep. This way, they don’t get spoiled at a very young age.
What a load of crap. (No offense, moms of the old tradition.)
Every single one of early childhood development and education books I have owned and read (published after my birthday) states this simple fact: infants and young toddlers don’t have the cognitive means to comprehend the meaning of “manipulation”, let alone actually doing it. The only way to explain why babies cry (and why they stop crying as soon as you react to their cries) is just asking for help. Birgit puts it best:
If you didn’t speak any language and you wanted someone to help you, what would you do? If you were really hungry, you’d cry too!
Yeah, no shit. There are only three reasons as to why pre-lingual babies cry:
1. Hunger.
2. Discomfort (wet/soiled diaper, fever, stomach ache… etc).
3. Companionship and love.
Many modern studies show that babies who’s needs are attended to will grow up with more self-esteem, self-confidence and a more positive view of the environment around them (even NPR says so). But having their needs met immediately, they grow up believing that the world is a safe place. This probably has to do with why most of my American and European friends (whose parents most likely subscribe to the more infant-friendly philosophy) have way more self-esteem and confidence over most of my Asian friends (whose parents subscribe to the don’t-spoil-them philosophy). This is not to say that culture and traditions have nothing to do with it though.
Unfortunately, to much of my dismay, the “let-them-cry” practice is still widely accepted among much of the Asian community. I wonder why they aren’t more educated about the latter method. Even some immediate friends around me still believe in the practice.
Wrap your mind around some new ideas, people. Attend to your babies and don’t just let them cry for hours and on. They can’t talk; they cry for a reason!
UPDATE: Ironically, my mom thinks the infant-friendly practices are just theories; they are not practical. When I brought up the logics behind the infant-friendly practices, backed by countless research and experiments by researchers/authors who are also parents, she brushed them off and said my arguing with her is what happens when one becomes too academic and book smart. Coming from someone who’s whole life has been trying to put more education under our belts is a little confusing and alarming. I have also tried to use similar points and strategies arguing about my sister’s behavioral problems and how the family should deal with them (long story). Her sentiments are the same. Sometimes I do think experience can be a burden to one’s attitude towards learning.
Here’s a list of sites that support the theory:
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/human/pubs/infant.html
http://www.humsci.auburn.edu/abell/beeprogram/links/resourceupdates/infants/crying/crying.htm
http://www.vtaide.com/png/ERIK1.htm
http://babiestoday.com/resources/articles/cry.htm
http://www.brandnewdad.com/monthbymonth/three-months-old/teachyourbabytotrust.asp
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/crying_baby.shtml
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/parenting/cfspoil.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/your_kids/babies_crying.shtml
http://www.drgreene.com/21_5.html
http://www.bchealthguide.org/healthfiles/hfile92b.stm
http://target.com/target_baby/ii_article_07_e.jhtml
http://www.maternitymall.com/homeMInfo.asp?SelectCase=Article&CategoryId=1&PageLp=1&ArticleId=353&SubCategoryId=1
In fact, I challenge anyone to produce a credible study that shows attending to crying infants can indeed spoil them and that they are just manipulative bastards.
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