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Non-Closure

I thought pretty hard on what to write or even how to begin on a new blog entry following the last one. No topic seemed appropriate. And it felt too soon to start blogging again. But then I thought it’s probably better to start writing than to bottle things up inside like my father did.

While I didn’t have any gripes with my father when he passed away, I feel incredibly… helpless for not being able to “see him off” at the funeral. I feel useless for not being able to help out with all that has to be done for the funeral, the ceremonies, the legal dances and everything that supposedly marks one of the defining moment in a man’s life. I don’t have a closure.

Everyone tells me my father wouldn’t blame me for the situation… for not being able to be there and for not being able to help. He’d understand. But I still don’t feel that a closure is upon me anywhere or anytime soon.

I recall this is how one can be messed up for not getting a closure to something important in life. Well, I don’t see myself going crazy anytime soon. But I am still looking for a closure that I can’t have, a way to say goodbye to my father, a way to find peace in myself and accept that he’d have understood my circumstances. Something like this made me question the wisdom and logic of the decisions I’ve made in the past several years, and how all this would have been averted if I had just…

Yes. There were a lot of “what ifs”, “what might have beens”, and “what could have beens”…. But I am living with “what is”…. I live with facts that I can’t change.

Now I will also have to learn to accept that maybe not everything has a closure. I’ll just have to live with my non-closure in peace — whenever I find it, the peace.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, March 20th, 2008 at 5:20 am and is filed under Day to day life, Philosophy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

4 Responses to “Non-Closure”

unha Says:
March 20th, 2008 at 6:13 am
hey chu, so sorry to hear about your dad.. be strong and when feeling low, think of all the love from your wife and little one(s)..
Sebastian Says:
March 20th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Maybe you can see him off with your own ritual. Although it might be not as comfortable as the rituals you would do with the rest of your relatives, it is all about the meaning that we assign to what we do. I wish you all the best for the coming days!
Joel Winter Says:
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
I’m very sorry to hear about your father.
MomMain Says:
April 8th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Chu,
As I emailed you, the loss of a parent is huge and closure is long in coming. Your friend Sebastian has a brilliant idea in creating your own ritual. Grieving is personal, but you don’t need the family or friends to share what could be a meaningful, personal ritual to say good bye to your beloved Father. I think you are a spiritual person who connects with others as well as yourself. Tap into that honey and know that there are a lot of us who are there with you in our hearts. Look into the eyes of your children and see your fathers legacy. Chu, I know you were the source of great pride for your father. That should bring you great comfort . MLM

Non-Closure

4 Responses to “Non-Closure”

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