Comments on: Cry Babies http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/2005/08/20/cry-babies/ Coming to a Chinatown Hole in the Wall Near You Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:48:44 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Shun Chu http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/2005/08/20/cry-babies/comment-page-1/#comment-2017 Shun Chu Mon, 17 Apr 2006 20:55:06 +0000 http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/?p=178#comment-2017 Wow. Thanks for your thoughtful input, Mom Main! When I wrote this entry, I guess I was frustrated that some people still think some of the old rules from "back in the day" should persist because they <i>worked</i>. Not that I resent them for believing in those rules, but that those people from an older generation don't seem to see why new ways of doing things probably make more sense. Of course, everyone has an opinion on how to raise children. And I respect most of those opinions if they make good common sense. But when a relative makes a generalized suggestion about something they read 30 years ago and never followed up to see if what they read was still valid, it frustrates me when they don't listen to my explanation simply because I am only a new parent of ONE child when they may have successfully raised 3 or more children with their methods. A guy called <a href="http://www.drspock.com/" rel="nofollow">Dr. Spock</a> wrote a book 30 years ago instructing parents to let their babies cry. And many parents took his advise. Even to this day, they swear by his writing from 30 years ago. But a lot has changed since that book. And even Dr. Spock himself has revised his own advise and encourages parents of today to always tend to crying babies. But parents from 30 years ago never bothered with his new books. I am not suggesting that old ways of childraring are always wrong. Some of them have valid reasons for having made sense during a time when that's all they understood about childraring. And I accept that. And I think the newer generations of parents understand and respect that. But sometimes we would like to believe that we are not the ones being closed minded having read all that we could about parenting in fear of not being able to do an adequate job at parenting. That's when we realized, "Hey, some of those old ways should really be corrected." And ideas really clashed when the older generations are the ones with a closed mind having successfully raised so many of us with the very same methodologies they are now suggesting to us. "You turned out alright, didn't ya?" I don't resent older generation for caring and wanting to help, but I wish they'd help us by way of listening to us and see why certain things are the golden standards of today. When I wrote this blog entry, I felt helpless in changing their minds and that now their own children's children may have to suffer simply because the younger generation took an advise that has never made any sense to begin with. But I am SOOO glad to hear you say that "you can ever spoil a child"! You just made my day. That's why all of your children turned out to be confident, happy citizens of the society! :) Wow. Thanks for your thoughtful input, Mom Main!

When I wrote this entry, I guess I was frustrated that some people still think some of the old rules from “back in the day” should persist because they worked. Not that I resent them for believing in those rules, but that those people from an older generation don’t seem to see why new ways of doing things probably make more sense.

Of course, everyone has an opinion on how to raise children. And I respect most of those opinions if they make good common sense. But when a relative makes a generalized suggestion about something they read 30 years ago and never followed up to see if what they read was still valid, it frustrates me when they don’t listen to my explanation simply because I am only a new parent of ONE child when they may have successfully raised 3 or more children with their methods. A guy called Dr. Spock wrote a book 30 years ago instructing parents to let their babies cry. And many parents took his advise. Even to this day, they swear by his writing from 30 years ago. But a lot has changed since that book. And even Dr. Spock himself has revised his own advise and encourages parents of today to always tend to crying babies. But parents from 30 years ago never bothered with his new books.

I am not suggesting that old ways of childraring are always wrong. Some of them have valid reasons for having made sense during a time when that’s all they understood about childraring. And I accept that. And I think the newer generations of parents understand and respect that. But sometimes we would like to believe that we are not the ones being closed minded having read all that we could about parenting in fear of not being able to do an adequate job at parenting. That’s when we realized, “Hey, some of those old ways should really be corrected.” And ideas really clashed when the older generations are the ones with a closed mind having successfully raised so many of us with the very same methodologies they are now suggesting to us. “You turned out alright, didn’t ya?”

I don’t resent older generation for caring and wanting to help, but I wish they’d help us by way of listening to us and see why certain things are the golden standards of today. When I wrote this blog entry, I felt helpless in changing their minds and that now their own children’s children may have to suffer simply because the younger generation took an advise that has never made any sense to begin with.

But I am SOOO glad to hear you say that “you can ever spoil a child”! You just made my day. That’s why all of your children turned out to be confident, happy citizens of the society! :)

]]> By: Mom Main http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/2005/08/20/cry-babies/comment-page-1/#comment-2016 Mom Main Mon, 17 Apr 2006 20:29:57 +0000 http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/?p=178#comment-2016 There is no such thing as spoiling an infant in my "old school" parenting experience. I raised four sons that were born within 7 years and I never let a baby cry without attending to him....ever! Parenting is very different now though. Women work more and the child rearing duties are divided more between both parents. This is a good thing in many many ways, but it makes for more challenges for these young families. I didn't have to balance work and home and I think it made parenting easier then it is now. Maybe I'm wrong, but thats how I see it. I do have the greatest respect for the moms now. Unfortunately, there will always be some parents who do not have a clue or the coping skills or common sense that is needed to be successful. Thats why there are so many studies and books out there. I will say this, we didn't have all the piles and stacks of books to reference that this generation of parents has. I think It can make things extremely confusing. With all that info, including the web, there is sure to be everything from the best to the worst advice. Common sense tells us that to follow ANYTHING completely or blindly is stupid. Just as following only one persons advice is stupid. Chu,I sense from your comments that there is a bigger issue here. Many of the young parents seem to resent the suggestions of the older generation who are really just trying to help them through the challenges of dealing with young children and infants. Maybe we are wrong in thinking that our experience could be useful to you young folks, but I personally don't think so. The young folks resentment seems to manifest itself as anger and frustration with us. Because of this, my personal rule is to not make suggestions unless my sons or their wives ask me. This has worked pretty well because I am fortunate that my sons and their wives have a wonderful instinct for parenting. Although they are gifted parents they are not ammuned to certain struggles from time to time and there were a few times that I wanted to help, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of causing this resentment. Thats normal. I am sure my mother did the same thing with me when I was a new mom. We don't want to undermine our childrens confidence in their parenting skills. Everything has a way of working itself out sooner or later anyway. I knew they didn't want unsolicited advice from me. But, If you don't have a good relationship with your family as I do,and I am speaking in generalities, this resentment from the youngers causes a wall to be built between the generations so that good information is ignored and lost on both sides. It's like some odd competition between the generations and we all need to get over it. The youngers don't want to look like they don't know everything there is to know about parenting and the olders want to be validated for their experience and wisdom. I understand both sides of this dilema. Here is where trust comes into play. Do these new parents think they are the first to make these discoveries about child rearing? Why do so many young parents feel threatened by the input of our generation? We are not complete idiots just as they are better informed in many areas than we are . Don't they realize that we WANT them to be successful in raising their children, our grandchildren, and we only share our experiences because they worked for us and we hope they work for them as well? If it doesn't work...chuck it, but at the very least listen with respect. Anything said by grandparents is out of love for our children and grandchildren.We are not trying to cause resentment. Now that would be stupid. Don't close the door between generations because together we are wise, informed, energetic, experienced and loving and both sides have the best of intentions and the best interest of the next generation at heart. This is a combination that is unbeatable if cherished and used properly. There is no such thing as spoiling an infant in my “old school” parenting experience. I raised four sons that were born within 7 years and I never let a baby cry without attending to him….ever! Parenting is very different now though. Women work more and the child rearing duties are divided more between both parents. This is a good thing in many many ways, but it makes for more challenges for these young families. I didn’t have to balance work and home and I think it made parenting easier then it is now. Maybe I’m wrong, but thats how I see it. I do have the greatest respect for the moms now.
Unfortunately, there will always be some parents who do not have a clue or the coping skills or common sense that is needed to be successful. Thats why there are so many studies and books out there. I will say this, we didn’t have all the piles and stacks of books to reference that this generation of parents has. I think It can make things extremely confusing. With all that info, including the web, there is sure to be everything from the best to the worst advice. Common sense tells us that to follow ANYTHING completely or blindly is stupid. Just as following only one persons advice is stupid.
Chu,I sense from your comments that there is a bigger issue here. Many of the young parents seem to resent the suggestions of the older generation who are really just trying to help them through the challenges of dealing with young children and infants. Maybe we are wrong in thinking that our experience could be useful to you young folks, but I personally don’t think so. The young folks resentment seems to manifest itself as anger and frustration with us. Because of this, my personal rule is to not make suggestions unless my sons or their wives ask me. This has worked pretty well because I am fortunate that my sons and their wives have a wonderful instinct for parenting. Although they are gifted parents they are not ammuned to certain struggles from time to time and there were a few times that I wanted to help, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of causing this resentment. Thats normal. I am sure my mother did the same thing with me when I was a new mom. We don’t want to undermine our childrens confidence in their parenting skills. Everything has a way of working itself out sooner or later anyway. I knew they didn’t want unsolicited advice from me. But, If you don’t have a good relationship with your family as I do,and I am speaking in generalities, this resentment from the youngers causes a wall to be built between the generations so that good information is ignored and lost on both sides. It’s like some odd competition between the generations and we all need to get over it. The youngers don’t want to look like they don’t know everything there is to know about parenting and the olders want to be validated for their experience and wisdom. I understand both sides of this dilema.
Here is where trust comes into play. Do these new parents think they are the first to make these discoveries about child rearing? Why do so many young parents feel threatened by the input of our generation? We are not complete idiots just as they are better informed in many areas than we are . Don’t they realize that we WANT them to be successful in raising their children, our grandchildren, and we only share our experiences because they worked for us and we hope they work for them as well? If it doesn’t work…chuck it, but at the very least listen with respect. Anything said by grandparents is out of love for our children and grandchildren.We are not trying to cause resentment. Now that would be stupid.
Don’t close the door between generations because together we are wise, informed, energetic, experienced and loving and both sides have the best of intentions and the best interest of the next generation at heart. This is a combination that is unbeatable if cherished and used properly.

]]> By: Shun Chu http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/2005/08/20/cry-babies/comment-page-1/#comment-1248 Shun Chu Thu, 02 Mar 2006 11:12:11 +0000 http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/?p=178#comment-1248 It's probably a good idea to have a law that requires all would-be parents pass an early childhood education class before they are "certified" parenthood-ready and allowed to bear children. I mean, we take tests for almost everything else in life, why not a test for the most important job one can possibly have -- parenthood? If every child can be brought up properly, maybe there wouldn't be so many crimes and pyschos in the world. It’s probably a good idea to have a law that requires all would-be parents pass an early childhood education class before they are “certified” parenthood-ready and allowed to bear children. I mean, we take tests for almost everything else in life, why not a test for the most important job one can possibly have — parenthood?

If every child can be brought up properly, maybe there wouldn’t be so many crimes and pyschos in the world.

]]> By: Laura Forsyth http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/2005/08/20/cry-babies/comment-page-1/#comment-1243 Laura Forsyth Wed, 01 Mar 2006 20:48:47 +0000 http://www.wiredatom.com/blog/?p=178#comment-1243 Here's more evidence to confirm - and maybe even persuade - the critical importance of "you can't spoil a baby". Coming from the attachment theory & neurodevelopmental perspective is a whole slew of folks who teach parents to read their baby/kid's behaviors as signaling what's actually going on in their brain - not what adults think. I tell my students and clients that the study of attachment and development is the most important research being done today, period. And the application of the findings from this research is the most important clinical work being done today, period. Happily, there's some awesome clinical, parent education and teaching training resources on the web: - understanding and healing trauma http://www.childtrauma.org/ http://www.healingresources.info/ - attachment based parenting ed clips http://www.talaris.org/parentingcounts.htm#video http://www.healingresources.info/ - emotion coaching http://www.talaris.org/spotlight_emocoaching_steps.htm A good clearinghouse of research and other links about attachment is at SUNY Stonybrook http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/online_index.html Rant on, I say, rant on! Laura Here’s more evidence to confirm – and maybe even persuade – the critical importance of “you can’t spoil a baby”. Coming from the attachment theory & neurodevelopmental perspective is a whole slew of folks who teach parents to read their baby/kid’s behaviors as signaling what’s actually going on in their brain – not what adults think.

I tell my students and clients that the study of attachment and development is the most important research being done today, period. And the application of the findings from this research is the most important clinical work being done today, period.

Happily, there’s some awesome clinical, parent education and teaching training resources on the web:

- understanding and healing trauma

http://www.childtrauma.org/

http://www.healingresources.info/

- attachment based parenting ed clips

http://www.talaris.org/parentingcounts.htm#video

http://www.healingresources.info/

- emotion coaching

http://www.talaris.org/spotlight_emocoaching_steps.htm

A good clearinghouse of research and other links about attachment is at
SUNY Stonybrook

http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/online_index.html

Rant on, I say, rant on!

Laura

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