Cry Babies
Before there was science and logic, “old school” parents have this deeply rooted belief that babies, even the newborns, are the masters of mind manipulations. Those are the parents who are self-proclaimed life-experience childrearing experts, such as my mother (and countless others).
They swear by the ingeniousness and cunningness of babies and how they are all conspired to manipulate us adults. Well, there may be some truth in what they believe in as it turns out. They think they babies cry to manipulate adults to hold them so that the babies don’t have to be alone. To remedy this and to teach them to be more independent (read: lazy parenting), the solution, they argue, is to let them cry themselves to sleep. This way, they don’t get spoiled at a very young age.
What a load of crap. (No offense, moms of the old tradition.)
Every single one of early childhood development and education books I have owned and read (published after my birthday) states this simple fact: infants and young toddlers don’t have the cognitive means to comprehend the meaning of “manipulation”, let alone actually doing it. The only way to explain why babies cry (and why they stop crying as soon as you react to their cries) is just asking for help. Birgit puts it best:
If you didn’t speak any language and you wanted someone to help you, what would you do? If you were really hungry, you’d cry too!
Yeah, no shit. There are only three reasons as to why pre-lingual babies cry:
1. Hunger.
2. Discomfort (wet/soiled diaper, fever, stomach ache… etc).
3. Companionship and love.
Many modern studies show that babies who’s needs are attended to will grow up with more self-esteem, self-confidence and a more positive view of the environment around them (even NPR says so). But having their needs met immediately, they grow up believing that the world is a safe place. This probably has to do with why most of my American and European friends (whose parents most likely subscribe to the more infant-friendly philosophy) have way more self-esteem and confidence over most of my Asian friends (whose parents subscribe to the don’t-spoil-them philosophy). This is not to say that culture and traditions have nothing to do with it though.
Unfortunately, to much of my dismay, the “let-them-cry” practice is still widely accepted among much of the Asian community. I wonder why they aren’t more educated about the latter method. Even some immediate friends around me still believe in the practice.
Wrap your mind around some new ideas, people. Attend to your babies and don’t just let them cry for hours and on. They can’t talk; they cry for a reason!
UPDATE: Ironically, my mom thinks the infant-friendly practices are just theories; they are not practical. When I brought up the logics behind the infant-friendly practices, backed by countless research and experiments by researchers/authors who are also parents, she brushed them off and said my arguing with her is what happens when one becomes too academic and book smart. Coming from someone who’s whole life has been trying to put more education under our belts is a little confusing and alarming. I have also tried to use similar points and strategies arguing about my sister’s behavioral problems and how the family should deal with them (long story). Her sentiments are the same. Sometimes I do think experience can be a burden to one’s attitude towards learning.
Here’s a list of sites that support the theory:
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/human/pubs/infant.html
http://www.humsci.auburn.edu/abell/beeprogram/links/resourceupdates/infants/crying/crying.htm
http://www.vtaide.com/png/ERIK1.htm
http://babiestoday.com/resources/articles/cry.htm
http://www.brandnewdad.com/monthbymonth/three-months-old/teachyourbabytotrust.asp
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/crying_baby.shtml
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/parenting/cfspoil.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/your_kids/babies_crying.shtml
http://www.drgreene.com/21_5.html
http://www.bchealthguide.org/healthfiles/hfile92b.stm
http://target.com/target_baby/ii_article_07_e.jhtml
http://www.maternitymall.com/homeMInfo.asp?SelectCase=Article&CategoryId=1&PageLp=1&ArticleId=353&SubCategoryId=1
In fact, I challenge anyone to produce a credible study that shows attending to crying infants can indeed spoil them and that they are just manipulative bastards.
Related PostsA Stroll Around the Hood More Old School Crap on Babies More Babies… Babywise Hurts Babies Baby Jam
March 1st, 2006 at 12:48 pm
Here’s more evidence to confirm – and maybe even persuade – the critical importance of “you can’t spoil a baby”. Coming from the attachment theory & neurodevelopmental perspective is a whole slew of folks who teach parents to read their baby/kid’s behaviors as signaling what’s actually going on in their brain – not what adults think.
I tell my students and clients that the study of attachment and development is the most important research being done today, period. And the application of the findings from this research is the most important clinical work being done today, period.
Happily, there’s some awesome clinical, parent education and teaching training resources on the web:
- understanding and healing trauma
http://www.childtrauma.org/
http://www.healingresources.info/
- attachment based parenting ed clips
http://www.talaris.org/parentingcounts.htm#video
http://www.healingresources.info/
- emotion coaching
http://www.talaris.org/spotlight_emocoaching_steps.htm
A good clearinghouse of research and other links about attachment is at
SUNY Stonybrook
http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/online_index.html
Rant on, I say, rant on!
Laura
March 2nd, 2006 at 3:12 am
It’s probably a good idea to have a law that requires all would-be parents pass an early childhood education class before they are “certified” parenthood-ready and allowed to bear children. I mean, we take tests for almost everything else in life, why not a test for the most important job one can possibly have — parenthood?
If every child can be brought up properly, maybe there wouldn’t be so many crimes and pyschos in the world.
April 17th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
There is no such thing as spoiling an infant in my “old school” parenting experience. I raised four sons that were born within 7 years and I never let a baby cry without attending to him….ever! Parenting is very different now though. Women work more and the child rearing duties are divided more between both parents. This is a good thing in many many ways, but it makes for more challenges for these young families. I didn’t have to balance work and home and I think it made parenting easier then it is now. Maybe I’m wrong, but thats how I see it. I do have the greatest respect for the moms now.
Unfortunately, there will always be some parents who do not have a clue or the coping skills or common sense that is needed to be successful. Thats why there are so many studies and books out there. I will say this, we didn’t have all the piles and stacks of books to reference that this generation of parents has. I think It can make things extremely confusing. With all that info, including the web, there is sure to be everything from the best to the worst advice. Common sense tells us that to follow ANYTHING completely or blindly is stupid. Just as following only one persons advice is stupid.
Chu,I sense from your comments that there is a bigger issue here. Many of the young parents seem to resent the suggestions of the older generation who are really just trying to help them through the challenges of dealing with young children and infants. Maybe we are wrong in thinking that our experience could be useful to you young folks, but I personally don’t think so. The young folks resentment seems to manifest itself as anger and frustration with us. Because of this, my personal rule is to not make suggestions unless my sons or their wives ask me. This has worked pretty well because I am fortunate that my sons and their wives have a wonderful instinct for parenting. Although they are gifted parents they are not ammuned to certain struggles from time to time and there were a few times that I wanted to help, but I kept my mouth shut for fear of causing this resentment. Thats normal. I am sure my mother did the same thing with me when I was a new mom. We don’t want to undermine our childrens confidence in their parenting skills. Everything has a way of working itself out sooner or later anyway. I knew they didn’t want unsolicited advice from me. But, If you don’t have a good relationship with your family as I do,and I am speaking in generalities, this resentment from the youngers causes a wall to be built between the generations so that good information is ignored and lost on both sides. It’s like some odd competition between the generations and we all need to get over it. The youngers don’t want to look like they don’t know everything there is to know about parenting and the olders want to be validated for their experience and wisdom. I understand both sides of this dilema.
Here is where trust comes into play. Do these new parents think they are the first to make these discoveries about child rearing? Why do so many young parents feel threatened by the input of our generation? We are not complete idiots just as they are better informed in many areas than we are . Don’t they realize that we WANT them to be successful in raising their children, our grandchildren, and we only share our experiences because they worked for us and we hope they work for them as well? If it doesn’t work…chuck it, but at the very least listen with respect. Anything said by grandparents is out of love for our children and grandchildren.We are not trying to cause resentment. Now that would be stupid.
Don’t close the door between generations because together we are wise, informed, energetic, experienced and loving and both sides have the best of intentions and the best interest of the next generation at heart. This is a combination that is unbeatable if cherished and used properly.
April 17th, 2006 at 12:55 pm
Wow. Thanks for your thoughtful input, Mom Main!
When I wrote this entry, I guess I was frustrated that some people still think some of the old rules from “back in the day” should persist because they worked. Not that I resent them for believing in those rules, but that those people from an older generation don’t seem to see why new ways of doing things probably make more sense.
Of course, everyone has an opinion on how to raise children. And I respect most of those opinions if they make good common sense. But when a relative makes a generalized suggestion about something they read 30 years ago and never followed up to see if what they read was still valid, it frustrates me when they don’t listen to my explanation simply because I am only a new parent of ONE child when they may have successfully raised 3 or more children with their methods. A guy called Dr. Spock wrote a book 30 years ago instructing parents to let their babies cry. And many parents took his advise. Even to this day, they swear by his writing from 30 years ago. But a lot has changed since that book. And even Dr. Spock himself has revised his own advise and encourages parents of today to always tend to crying babies. But parents from 30 years ago never bothered with his new books.
I am not suggesting that old ways of childraring are always wrong. Some of them have valid reasons for having made sense during a time when that’s all they understood about childraring. And I accept that. And I think the newer generations of parents understand and respect that. But sometimes we would like to believe that we are not the ones being closed minded having read all that we could about parenting in fear of not being able to do an adequate job at parenting. That’s when we realized, “Hey, some of those old ways should really be corrected.” And ideas really clashed when the older generations are the ones with a closed mind having successfully raised so many of us with the very same methodologies they are now suggesting to us. “You turned out alright, didn’t ya?”
I don’t resent older generation for caring and wanting to help, but I wish they’d help us by way of listening to us and see why certain things are the golden standards of today. When I wrote this blog entry, I felt helpless in changing their minds and that now their own children’s children may have to suffer simply because the younger generation took an advise that has never made any sense to begin with.
But I am SOOO glad to hear you say that “you can ever spoil a child”! You just made my day. That’s why all of your children turned out to be confident, happy citizens of the society!